Insane/Outsane

Caution – this blog may contain inquiries which may disturb your sense of sanity.

“I am always thinking about how to make my children’s lives better. “  Of course you are…isn’t this what good, loving, involved, intelligent parents do?

This is a statement well within the paradigm which we  deem “sane”.  Rarely would any of us question that statement if we hear it.  Yet maybe, after inquiry and exploration, it may behoove us to consider going “out-sane”.

In Making Mind Matter speak, I will use the  term “in-sane” to represent where we are when we accept the overarching consensus reality within which we were raised and within which most of us continue to function. I posit that continuing to live in this consensus reality of “sane” is not conducive to our well-being.

What’s another option when living according to the tenets we were taught as sane begin to feel insane?

Well, there is going “out-sane.”  Out-sane is a place of deep inquiry, a place where the obvious is not so obvious anymore and we begin to inquire what new approaches are a close match with our deepest dreams and values.  Out-sane is a perspective where we begin to see that the consensus reality which we were taught to accept as truth boarders on insanity when inspected closely.

Let’s examine this sentiment from an out-sane perspective through inquiry.  I’ll start with“making my children’s lives better”.  Is the inherent assumption that your children need to be better true?  Second inquiry, what constitutes “better”, for whom (your comfort level or the child’s evolutionary maturation?), and based on what criteria?   Third inquiry, how does a parent make their child’s life better in the future?
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We will never be with our children in the future.  We are only always with them now, in the present. And, we can not know how to prepare them best for a specific future scenario which may or not come to pass. We can support them in being grounded, innovative, and resourceful in whatever present we happen to be sharing with them.

One of the “tenants of being” in the traditional understanding of “sane” is to learn from the past and teach the lessons learned to those we love as the right and most effective way to live in the present.  If the deep intention we have for our children is their true contentment, self-expression, and creativity as human beings, if we aren’t living that for ourselves, then what are we teaching them is how to reproduce our states of discontent, not the ability to reach into they mystery of life to find true contentment, self-expression, and creativity.

A new level of inquiry beyond what we were taught as the “sane” way to conduct our lives can lead us to strengthen our ability to make choices from different and perhaps initially novel perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and actions in the present that are aligned with  love and commitment to well-being.  Through this we have the possibility for the realization that we as parents are still discovering our way in a quickly shifting world with changing expectations and characteristics parallel to our children’s discoveries.

Returning to the original premise of “making life better for our children”, how do WE feel when we get the message either from ourselves or others that our lives need “improvement” in the present?  How do we feel when we receive the message that weshould be working harder, making more money, dressing better, volunteering more often, being nicer, heavier, lighter, more muscled, less muscled, more social, less social, more informed, more involved, less involved, better at sports, at art, at music, stronger, healthier? How do we feel when we contemplate shooting for the top in the championship for everything? And if we take it on, for whom are we doing it?  When we read biographies of those that have been recognized for achieving top performance how satisfied with life are they?  If some are deeply satisfied and some aren’t then the recognition of top achievement isn’t the factor that allows for that deep satisfaction.

Let’s  move on to “always thinking about how to make my children’s lives” ….It is “in-sane” to be always thinking about how to make your children’s lives anything.    If you are responsible for how their lives are, then what are they responsible for?  What aren’t they responsible for if they feel that you are doing the thinking and planning for them?

So what does going out-sane look like and what kind of stand can we be for our children?  First of all, is the humbling realization that WE CAN NOT KNOW what is “best”, not for our children, not for ourselves, not for anyone.  What WE CAN KNOW is how clear we are in our intentions and values in each present moment and how committed we are in truly listening to what others share with us, in aligning the choices we make regarding what actions to take out of our values and intentions,  and the extent of our commitment to finding ways to communicate ourselves authentically and lovingly.  Then, those who are out-sane give their all and deem “ALL is good”, defined as “there is an inherent goodness in all experience and it is my intention to discover and experience that goodness while being and doing from my values.  Those who remain in-sane are giving their all to creating “all is GOOD”, defined as everyone and everything outside of themselves should be a certain way and that they will live and die trying to get reality to conform to how they think it should be or get angry, bitter, and disheartened because it won’t and they can’t.  An out-sane re-conceptualization of  “I am always thinking of ways to make my children’s’ lives better”might be ” I intend to discover and nurture my inner wisdom, creativity, and inspiration and support my children, friends, family, community, etc. to find  the same for themselves, whatever that might be.  Although I have ideas, I’m not at all sure how to do this yet I am committed to discovering the “how to” in living consciously through the adventure, challenge, and opportunity that is life.”