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Forget Getting it Right – Get It Real!

by | Feb 23, 2012 | Blog

How much energy to you expend trying to “get it right”?  If you are like just about every human being I know, it’s a considerable expenditure out of your daily energy budget.  What’s tricky about achieving success with this approach is that “right” is not only situation specific, it’s also totally subjective.  Right for whom?  Right for when? How right can you get it?  How right?  How durable is this right?  When will what’s right become what’s not right again?

My business isn’t going in the right direction.  My parents didn’t parent right.  The way I see things is right, not the way my boss sees things.   My kid isn’t living her life right.  My body isn’t right.  My reaction wasn’t right.  It’s not right that I don’t feel love for my significant other.  There are infinite examples of trying to “get it right” in our day to day lives.

“Of course I want to get it right”, you may be thinking, “doesn’t everyone and why not”? The trap in getting it right is that this kind of right is a formulaic.  Life isn’t a balanced equation that responds to formulas.   It is a dynamic process of change.  Getting it real acknowledges and honors this dynamic process and provides the most solid foundation for a next step. Let’s look at the examples above from the perspective of getting it real.

I feel stuck in my business.  I am tired of the effort I continue to make with results that are not satisfying to me.  I want to work less and have the business generate more profit.  How can I reach this goal?  What are inherent strengths I can capitalize on and weaknesses I can reduce or eliminate, both in myself and the business? What actions and what projected schedule can I create that will allow my mind to know that I have a plan and am committed and clear in following it? What is my exit strategy if I find that I am unable to pull this off?  Getting real transforms being stuck to being in action, reconciling what is and what can be, accepting and planning for different eventualities, and being at peace with the current situation..

My parents parented in the best way they knew how.  They weren’t who they weren’t.  Once I let go of how they should have been that they weren’t, I have the opportunity to release and unravel the twists that occurred in me growing up in the environment that existed at home. Getting real transforms feeling victimized to an opportunity to release the hurt, disappointment, anger, and defiance that is authentically present internally consciously and compassionately.

My boss is the boss.  Working with her I feel unacknowledged, underappreciated, and like I am walking on eggs.  I am a free person.  I can leave this position and find another.  I don’t really believe that. My fear keeps me working here, not my boss, and my responsibility to make the money that supports the lifestyle I’ve chosen.  I can handle my fear and seek other positions responsibly.  I can choose to remain where I am and find other avenues through which to be acknowledged and appreciated. I can begin hearing what she has to say and watch how she functions and discover something new about her, about me, and shift the relationship I’ve created with her. Getting real transforms feeling victimized into an opportunity to examine options intelligently.

My kid is getting in trouble in school and pulling mediocre grades at best.  She’s been surly and withdrawn at home.  I don’t recognize her anymore. I miss the relationship we had.  I miss who she used to be. I don’t understand who she is now.  I wonder what’s going on for her. She seems happy when she is with friends but defiant at home and in school.  I’ve been rough on her because I’m scared for her future.  What actions can I take to better understand if this is a “normal phase” or something else?  Being real transforms anger and resentment into love, concern, and service.

I am carrying a considerable amount of fat on my body.  This is showing me the consequences of my current lifestyle. What will my body reflect if I change how I am caring for it?  What do I want from my body and for my body?  Why do I want this? What steps am I willing to take to care for my body differently?  Being real transforms disappointment and betrayal into responsibility, cooperation, and opportunity.

I was completely surprised by the challenging situation I found myself in.  I reacted with a considerable amount of fear and leaned on others for support.  Given the intensity of what happened and my unfamiliarity with it, I reached out for whatever support I could.  I balanced myself as quickly as possible.  I appreciate the support I received and I will let those that were there for me know how much their support allowed me to get where I am now.  Being real transforms feeling helpless, ashamed, and needy to reconciliation, peace, and acceptance.

I am not feeling love for my significant other.  I’m not.  What’s going on with me?  What is it that I want that I’m not experiencing? What might my significant other be feeling if I am feeling this way?  If I’m honest with myself I realize that I care about my relationship, I have made quite an investment in it, and I am committed to discovering if and how I can renew my ability to appreciate and love.  Being real transforms disappointment to opportunity to refresh and renew and consciously move on with integrity, regardless of the outcome.

The shift from getting it right to getting it real takes place through three conscious steps:

  • Assume full and total responsibility for your thoughts, emotions, and   reactions in any given situation. Give up holding situations responsible for your life. This means giving up the story that you keep telling yourself about the situation.
  • Ask yourself what you really desire as an outcome in the situation. Feeling self-righteous, angry and resentful will not get you what you desire unless feeling this way is what you desire.
  • Consciously design actions aligned with your deep values with the intention of moving you closer to the outcome you desire.

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While the process of getting it real is an upfront investment of intention and commitment, time and time again I have observed it generate a return of increases in the experience of peace and effectiveness that yields remarkable and life transforming results.  The other option is to continue to try to get it right.  How’s it been working for you? I gave up on it in 2007.  Getting it real has been a game of life changer! Playing the game is infinitely more pleasurable, exciting, inspiring, and rewarding.  Please let me know what happens if you choose to take this on.

 

Living in Circles or Living Progressively

by | Feb 8, 2012 | Blog, Choice, Navigating Life, Relationships

While it’s been generally believed that people in unfamiliar terrain often end up walking in circles, researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics in Tübingen,  Germany proved this to be accurate, yet only under a specific circumstance.  Findings presented in a study published in 2009 showed that when the study’s participants were tracked by GPS in two very different yet equally unfamiliar environments, they repeatedly walked in circles when they could not see a reference point.  In this study, the reference point was the sun.  Conversely, when there was a reference point, “when the sun was visible, participants sometimes veered from a straight course but did not walk in circles. They made progress in a specific direction.”[1]

What if this is true regarding how we live as well as how we navigate physically?

I love the concept of consciously “designing a future to live into”.  This future of our design becomes the sun by which we navigate.  It is out there, shining brightly, drawing us towards it.  It is through this envisioned future that we can tell if we are happening off course.  With our reference point we have the capacity to reorient ourselves and keep moving in the direction of our desire.

Without this future, what are we navigating by? If we have no reference point out there, are we expending great effort yet living in circles? Could this be why, at times, we feel we aren’t getting anywhere?  Perhaps living without a designed future becomes living in circles or worse, living towards what was least enjoyable about our past?

When our reference point is how we don’t want to feel, what we don’t want to experience, we are navigating by our past, our pain, and our fears. And if we are navigating by what it is we desire to get away from, won’t that result in circles as well?  We’ll be navigating by where we already are.

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In November I coached a young woman who was sure what she didn’t want in a partner.  She’d go out in the world and see all these living examples of what she didn’t want, in droves!  She found this over and over, reinforcing more of what she didn’t want.  She was living in a circle. Her reference point? Her past experiences.

I asked her what qualities she did want in a partner.  It was a new inquiry for her.  We engaged in an exercise of identifying the qualities that she desired.  Within a few months she was involved with a partner with the qualities she desired.  She had set her sun in her sky, and she began to move towards it.

We can too, about anything in our lives.  When we put that reference point up there and head out, we are heading in a progressive direction of both our design and our choice.  Happy navigating.

[1] http://www.cell.com/current-biology/retrieve/pii/S0960982209014791, Current Biology, Volume 19, Issue 18, 1538-1542, 20 August 2009