As I coach I understand more and more that human interactions go awry because people don’t hear each other. What we hear instead is what WE THINK AND FEEL ABOUT WHAT THE OTHER PERSON IS SAYING. We hear them BUT LISTEN TO OUR SELF, self referencing rather than seeking to slip into their perspective. Really hearing someone else is being able to see the situation from their perspective, not translating what they are sharing into our perspective.

In Feeling Good Together by David D. Burns (2008) I came across a concept that may be seriously useful for transforming how we communicate. He speaks of practical communication being, at its heart, a spiritual theme. He feels there is no authentic communication without empathy, and no empathy without an earnest desire to SEE AND COMPREHEND the other person’s point of view. To do that, we must transcend our limited perspective; hear without commentary, judgment, or fear.  We must lose ourselves and be empty to truly hear. Being able to see and comprehend the other’s point of view involves getting out of our heads and egos and instead truly committing to comprehend the thoughts, feelings, and suffering of another person. This is no small feat yet when we surrender our self it is possible. Once we hear, we can resume our personal perspective and choose a response. 

Why would we surrender our own agendas and forget about our “self” so we can focus entirely on the other person’s thoughts, feelings, and values? This may sound like a contradiction yet we do this for selfish reasons – to step out of the war zone so we don’t get hurt. Once we step out, the other doesn’t get hurt either since there is not one in the zone to battle with anymore.  We give the other person nothing, no addition and no subtraction, yet at the same time giving him/her something priceless – a space to be authentic without resistance, to be heard and have his/her truth accepted in peace.

Accepted does NOT mean agreed with. Agreeing or disagreeing with another’s truth solidifies his/her truth so rather than truth being open and resilient it becomes locked and defended, on both sides.

Let’s explore two scenarios, one empty and authentic, the other full and self-righteous:

He:  You forgot our anniversary. Obviously your tennis thingy with your friends is more important to you than I am.  I don’t believe how selfish you are.

She: Ohh, I did forget our anniversary and I can hear how hurt you feel.  I can understand how you might feel that my friends are more important to me than you are since I have tennis every week and I always show up.  I will put our anniversary in my calendar right now so if I forget again, which I can do even with events that are very important to me, I will have a back up to remind me.  Thank you for showing me how important I am to you.  Let me know if you still want to celebrate.  I’d like to.  (Internal thought – “I must do something about my tendency to forget things.  It hurts people. I’m important to him and he is to me.”)

In this example she is neither agreeing that tennis is more important to her than he is nor that she is selfish.  She was able to be empty about his attack, hearing his hurt through his anger.  Labeling her selfish was the hurt lashing out.  She authentically copped to her tendency to forget even significant events and let him know she heard him and affirmed his importance to her.

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So here’s the irony, by being open to truly listening to what we may not want to hear we open the other to hear what he/she hasn’t been able to listen to.  The possibility that he will hear how poorly he handles hurt is open because she heard and acknowledged how her forgetfulness can feel hurtful to others.

Now for the full and self-righteous scenario:

He:  You forgot our anniversary. Obviously your tennis thingy with your friends is more important to you than I am.  I don’t believe how selfish you are.

She:  Hey, you’ve been wanting me to get more fit. Yeah, I play tennis with my friends twice a week AND I go to the gym once a week.  It hasn’t been easy fitting this into my schedule. I started this for you and now you call me selfish?  Our anniversary slipped my mind.  Do you think you could give me a break?  I don’t know why I even try.  It’s not like you scheduled a nice dinner out or anything.  Why don’t you try that next time if you want me to remember?  (Internal thought – “He is such an insensitive jerk.  Why do I put up with the sh_t he dishes out?”)

When we feel criticized and judged we shut down, stop listening, stop sharing, and get petulant and belligerent. When we feel accepted and heard we open up, begin to listen, start sharing because we feel safe, and get compassionate and accepting.  Through kindness, humility, consideration, and love we break down the barriers we haven’t been able to see WE’VE BEEN PUTTING UP; the barriers that we keep running into and blaming on the other person.

If you put yourself into their shoes, which scenario would you prefer?

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