by Lisa Brick | Feb 8, 2013 | Blog, holidays, Relationships
“Morticia: So… you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I’ll get them!”
Growing up the most powerful model of intimate relationship I saw was between Morticia and Gomez Addams. Yes, this was a television show yet it showed me possibility I wasn’t seeing in “real life”. Their love and support for each other was unconditional and unconventional. They created a home where personal idiosyncrasies were celebrated, appreciation ruled, uniqueness was respected and protected, and all were welcome. Do enduring, rewarding, and sustainable intimate relationships only exist in fantasy?
Society data indicates that divorce is on the rise at the same time that marriage is in decline. This skews marriage to divorce statistics. While statistics are mildly interesting, my interest is not on marriage and divorce but what makes for powerful, enjoyable, and enduring intimate relationships. Relationships such as these occur within and outside of marriage, just as unhealthy and unhappy relationships occur in both circumstances. I’ve observed couples who’ve managed to create unconditional, deeply rewarding, and enjoyable long term relationships. I’ve asked them how they do it…
- Love and accept yourself unconditionally first and foremost. Where you don’t, do the work before you trip you up!
- Love the person not the package. Packages change over time. The inherent qualities within the person don’t.
- Like who you love. Like will get you through the times you are too exhausted to feel love.
- Hold yourself accountable and your partner “able”.
- Be playful with sexuality. Allow yourself your fantasies fearlessly. You will figure out a healthy way to live them, keeping intimacy fresh and evolving together.
- If you feel stuck you are. While it may feel like it’s your partner, look within and you will never blame without.
- Integrate life’s surprises into the relationship rather than using them as a crowbar to break it apart. Don’t let externals lead you around on their leash. They have no direction.
- Make fitness a priority so you can be alive and vibrant for yourself and your partner.
- Understand that failure is a stepping stone to success, for yourself and your partner. Evolution learns through challenges to the status quo and subsequent innovations .
- Be slow to condemn and quick to seek understanding and show empathy.
- Make your personal growth and evolution a priority.
- Question the first thoughts that come up in any situation that you feel challenged in. Most likely your first thoughts are from the past, not the present.
- Question your values. Are they truly yours or simply inherited? Choose yours and live them.
- Assume 100% responsibility for your relationship. Allow your partner to assume 100% for his/her relationship. Relationships that are 50/50 are half as rewarding as those that are 100/100.
- Allow space for yourself. Allow space for your partner. Nothing can thrive without space to grow.
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Relationships are living systems. The above commonalities create an environment in which they can thrive indefinitely. If anybody has pulled it off it means its available for you too if you choose. Please feel free to add to this list out of your experience or by asking those you know who have thriving relationships. Continue the conversation with comments below.
by Lisa Brick | Dec 22, 2012 | Blog, Choice, Finding Freedom, holidays, Navigating Life, Relationships
In a few days we will be celebrating Christmas. We will be with family we haven’t seen for a while as well as family we see every day. Some of us will be without family we used to have who have passed on, moved away and aren’t able to make it back, or dropped out from fall out. When you have an accumulation of people you have an accumulation of energies. We used to call these “personalities” yet they are really much more than that. We are affected and affect each other in three ways: we feel neutral, we feel some level of uneasiness, or we feel affirmed and relaxed. We even flip around through all three with the same person depending upon the conversation and our reactions to what is either said or not, done or not, and how it was said and done. The holidays and the energies they bring to us are an opportunity to practice how to learn to generate the very peace, beauty, and love with which we yearn to be filled.
There is a tool, the MIFR, which when utilized can support you in creating the wonderful “feeling experience” of the Christmas of your dreams. The MIFR consists of of four steps: mindfulness, inquiry, focus, and reframing. Whereas the Swiffer is a tool with which to clean a floor, the MIFR is a tool to wash clean the thoughts, feelings, and actions that lead to uneasiness, anger, resentment, and upset and allows us to dance on the newly cleaned surface. While to be expert at using this tool takes practice, even as a novice you can wipe away a great deal of gunk.
Here’s an example of how MIFR works. Aunt Sally comes in with a one way conversation all about what’s ailing her. She doesn’t ask about you or the kids. When she looks around she makes a comment about how you haven’t replaced that worn chair in the living room yet. You become mindful that you are feeling smoke escaping from your ears. You are experiencing a set-up. She’s stuck being Aunt Sally but you aren’t stuck in the set-up anymore. You have a choice. You inquire of yourself what other responses you can choose from since she’s there with her self absorption and complaints and will be the entire evening. Shift your focus on what you want for this Christmas; peace, love, and joy. Aunt Sally may not be able to shift her energy yet YOU CAN. It’s like a Nike ad, JUST DO IT, even if your mind is telling you you don’t know how. She can remain just as she is and as she isn’t and that energy can roll off you like water off a duck’s back. You can feel her energy and leave her to it. Simply by not responding to her in kind is showering grace. You don’t have to and can’t fix her. She doesn’t need to be fixed, just allowed to be who she is free of your judgment and resentment. When you free her from it, you have freed yourself from being stuck in feelings that dampen or ruin your Christmas! Now you can reframe the story and keep centered in the Christmas of your heart. You can even look at Aunt Sally, smile, and tell her that is your very favorite chair and invite her to experience how comfortable it is, while you walk away to greet the next soul at the gathering in peace, love, and joy. THIS IS POSSIBLE. THIS IS HOW TO HAVE THE CHRISTMAS OF YOUR DREAMS, by being what you desire.
The specific steps of MIFRing are:
- MINDFULNESS – As you become mindful of an upset (a set-up you’ve fallen into time and time again) coming on, recognize that when you feel energy/attitude coming at you, THEY aren’t doing it “to you”. You are doing it to yourself in the face of an external trigger.
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- INQUIRY – Assume responsibility for how you are feeling and see what story you are telling yourself in the presence of this energy.
- FOCUS – Remember that your objective is to be peace, love, and joy. What other’s say, hear, and emanate is about them. What you hear, say, and emanate is about you
- REFRAME – Listen with awareness rather than judgment. Tell yourself a new story which will lead to positive feelings towards yourself, the others, and your environment, and take creative empowering actions.
A note to those serious about truly enjoying the holidays this year, treat yourself well with sleep and nourishing foods consistently, being conscious that both sweets and alcohol in quantity dulls awareness and can lead to serious “sugar blues”.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”.
– Mahatma Gandhi
A blessed Christmas to everyone of every faith and non-faith.
I found my focus on a deeper level, what really moved and inspired me, which made choosing possible. Working with Lisa has given me the clarity and focus to move forward in my life and understand my role in the creation of my reality. ”
