Love Addams Family Style

by Lisa Brick | Feb 8, 2013 | Blog, holidays, Relationships

“Morticia: So… you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?

Gomez: Forever!

Morticia: I’ll get them!”

Growing up the most powerful model of intimate relationship I saw was between Morticia and Gomez Addams. Yes, this was a television show yet it showed me possibility I wasn’t seeing in “real life”. Their love and support for each other was unconditional and unconventional. They created a home where personal idiosyncrasies were celebrated, appreciation ruled, uniqueness was respected and protected, and all were welcome. Do enduring, rewarding, and sustainable intimate relationships only exist in fantasy?

Society data indicates that divorce is on the rise at the same time that marriage is in decline. This skews marriage to divorce statistics. While statistics are mildly interesting, my interest is not on marriage and divorce but what makes for powerful, enjoyable, and enduring intimate relationships. Relationships such as these occur within and outside of marriage, just as unhealthy and unhappy relationships occur in both circumstances. I’ve observed couples who’ve managed to create unconditional, deeply rewarding, and enjoyable long term relationships. I’ve asked them how they do it…

• Love and accept yourself unconditionally first and foremost. Where you don’t, do the work before you trip you up!
• Love the person not the package. Packages change over time. The inherent qualities within the person don’t.
• Like who you love. Like will get you through the times you are too exhausted to feel love.
• Hold yourself accountable and your partner “able”.
• Be playful with sexuality. Allow yourself your fantasies fearlessly. You will figure out a healthy way to live them, keeping intimacy fresh and evolving together.
• If you feel stuck you are. While it may feel like it’s your partner, look within and you will never blame without.
• Integrate life’s surprises into the relationship rather than using them as a crowbar to break it apart. Don’t let externals lead you around on their leash. They have no direction.
• Make fitness a priority so you can be alive and vibrant for yourself and your partner.
• Understand that failure is a stepping stone to success, for yourself and your partner. Evolution learns through challenges to the status quo and subsequent innovations .
• Be slow to condemn and quick to seek understanding and show empathy.
• Make your personal growth and evolution a priority.
• Question the first thoughts that come up in any situation that you feel challenged in. Most likely your first thoughts are from the past, not the present.
• Question your values. Are they truly yours or simply inherited? Choose yours and live them.
• Assume 100% responsibility for your relationship. Allow your partner to assume 100% for his/her relationship. Relationships that are 50/50 are half as rewarding as those that are 100/100.
• Allow space for yourself. Allow space for your partner. Nothing can thrive without space to grow.

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Relationships are living systems. The above commonalities create an environment in which they can thrive indefinitely. If anybody has pulled it off it means its available for you too if you choose. Please feel free to add to this list out of your experience or by asking those you know who have thriving relationships. Continue the conversation with comments below.