While thoughts certainly arise in our minds there is a separation from thinking them and listening to them as if they are truth, which they are not, and being able to see how to use them to pull back from suffering and towards power and possibility. This practice can help us to stay grounded in what is real, face our pain, avoid unnecessary suffering from the negative thoughts that inevitably arise, and grow from unwanted and unwelcome change. (more…)
“Morticia: So… you still desire me after all these years? The old ball and chain?
Gomez: Forever!
Morticia: I’ll get them!”
Growing up the most powerful model of intimate relationship I saw was between Morticia and Gomez Addams. Yes, this was a television show yet it showed me possibility I wasn’t seeing in “real life”. Their love and support for each other was unconditional and unconventional. They created a home where personal idiosyncrasies were celebrated, appreciation ruled, uniqueness was respected and protected, and all were welcome. Do enduring, rewarding, and sustainable intimate relationships only exist in fantasy?
Society data indicates that divorce is on the rise at the same time that marriage is in decline. This skews marriage to divorce statistics. While statistics are mildly interesting, my interest is not on marriage and divorce but what makes for powerful, enjoyable, and enduring intimate relationships. Relationships such as these occur within and outside of marriage, just as unhealthy and unhappy relationships occur in both circumstances. I’ve observed couples who’ve managed to create unconditional, deeply rewarding, and enjoyable long term relationships. I’ve asked them how they do it…
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Relationships are living systems. The above commonalities create an environment in which they can thrive indefinitely. If anybody has pulled it off it means its available for you too if you choose. Please feel free to add to this list out of your experience or by asking those you know who have thriving relationships. Continue the conversation with comments below.
Most of us are paralyzed by failure. We were given a toxic message about failing, that failing is bad and wrong. We were taught to avoid it in school, in relationships, and in the workplace, and by doing so we could avoid the self and public disapproval that accompanied it. The pain we feel when we fail, combined with our tendency to go into blame and/or self recrimination, keeps us off the road to success. On this road of avoiding failure or not admitting it’s signs, we gloss over and neither see our responsibility for being where we are nor are we able to learn from our experiences. This road stays raw, the ride bumpy, and the destination dangerous. Today there are new messages about failure, enlivening messages that tell us not only is it unavoidable to fail, it is integral on the path to success.
These new messages tell us that our failures are the paving stones to success as long as we pick ourselves up and go forth with expanded understanding and wisdom. Kathryn Schulz, one of the authors sharing a new perspective on failure writes in Being Wrong: Adventures in the Margin of Error; “Of all the things we are wrong about, this idea of error might well top the list…It is our meta-mistake: We are wrong about what it means to be wrong. Far from being a sign of intellectual inferiority, the capacity to err is crucial to human cognition.” Kathryn believes that we are designed to learn from our actions, those that work the way we want and those that don’t. To play it safe is to stifle our ability to learn and grow.
Ralph Heath, managing partner of Synergy Leadership Group and author of Celebrating Failure: The Power of Taking Risks, Making Mistakes and Thinking Big writes “Failure and defeat are life’s greatest teachers [but] sadly, most people…don’t want to go there…Instead they choose to play it safe, to fly below the radar, repeating the same safe choices over and over again. They operate under the belief that if they make no waves, they attract no attention; no one will yell at them for failing because they generally never attempt anything great at which they could possibly fail (or succeed)..” How many relationships, positions, and ventures have ended because of this fallacy?
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While the two authors above speak to corporate culture, the same holds true for personal culture, whether overcoming a failed relationship, a tanked business venture, or navigating a health challenge. To achieve your goals, to make what at first seems highly unlikely possible, you must embrace your failures, learn from them, and treat yourself with grand compassion and love as you rise from the ashes, brush off the dirt and move forward one step at a time. It’s scary not knowing how one step will lead to the next, or if these new steps will lead to where you want to go, yet staying on the ground really isn’t worthy of who you are and what you are capable of.
Of course, assess the steps you are thinking of taking next carefully. Simply hoping for the best is not a viable strategy. Be willing to look in the mirror, do the work, and create strategies and take actions that are specific, measurable, reasonable, and achievable given what is already on your plate. Hold yourself accountable in real time. Allow yourself to assess your skills and talents realistically, with kindness. Use your talents to your advantage and seek out new skills that will allow you to navigate your path with more resiliency, balance, and bounce in your step, and with eyes wide open. Use your failures to inform your ability to achieve successes, one small step at a time. Make your failures the paving blocks of your success.
For more on skill sets for creating healthy intimate relationships, visit “Creating a Co-Independent Relationship” at http://www.powerandpurpose.net/2012/08/03/creating-a-co-independent-relationship/ .
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By refraining from taking action in our darkness we allow ourselves to choose illuminated action, action that strengthens what we love and in doing so, weakens that which wreaks additional suffering.
In a few days we will be celebrating Christmas. We will be with family we haven’t seen for a while as well as family we see every day. Some of us will be without family we used to have who have passed on, moved away and aren’t able to make it back, or dropped out from fall out. When you have an accumulation of people you have an accumulation of energies. We used to call these “personalities” yet they are really much more than that. We are affected and affect each other in three ways: we feel neutral, we feel some level of uneasiness, or we feel affirmed and relaxed. We even flip around through all three with the same person depending upon the conversation and our reactions to what is either said or not, done or not, and how it was said and done. The holidays and the energies they bring to us are an opportunity to practice how to learn to generate the very peace, beauty, and love with which we yearn to be filled.
There is a tool, the MIFR, which when utilized can support you in creating the wonderful “feeling experience” of the Christmas of your dreams. The MIFR consists of of four steps: mindfulness, inquiry, focus, and reframing. Whereas the Swiffer is a tool with which to clean a floor, the MIFR is a tool to wash clean the thoughts, feelings, and actions that lead to uneasiness, anger, resentment, and upset and allows us to dance on the newly cleaned surface. While to be expert at using this tool takes practice, even as a novice you can wipe away a great deal of gunk.
Here’s an example of how MIFR works. Aunt Sally comes in with a one way conversation all about what’s ailing her. She doesn’t ask about you or the kids. When she looks around she makes a comment about how you haven’t replaced that worn chair in the living room yet. You become mindful that you are feeling smoke escaping from your ears. You are experiencing a set-up. She’s stuck being Aunt Sally but you aren’t stuck in the set-up anymore. You have a choice. You inquire of yourself what other responses you can choose from since she’s there with her self absorption and complaints and will be the entire evening. Shift your focus on what you want for this Christmas; peace, love, and joy. Aunt Sally may not be able to shift her energy yet YOU CAN. It’s like a Nike ad, JUST DO IT, even if your mind is telling you you don’t know how. She can remain just as she is and as she isn’t and that energy can roll off you like water off a duck’s back. You can feel her energy and leave her to it. Simply by not responding to her in kind is showering grace. You don’t have to and can’t fix her. She doesn’t need to be fixed, just allowed to be who she is free of your judgment and resentment. When you free her from it, you have freed yourself from being stuck in feelings that dampen or ruin your Christmas! Now you can reframe the story and keep centered in the Christmas of your heart. You can even look at Aunt Sally, smile, and tell her that is your very favorite chair and invite her to experience how comfortable it is, while you walk away to greet the next soul at the gathering in peace, love, and joy. THIS IS POSSIBLE. THIS IS HOW TO HAVE THE CHRISTMAS OF YOUR DREAMS, by being what you desire.
The specific steps of MIFRing are:
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A note to those serious about truly enjoying the holidays this year, treat yourself well with sleep and nourishing foods consistently, being conscious that both sweets and alcohol in quantity dulls awareness and can lead to serious “sugar blues”.
“If we could change ourselves, the tendencies in the world would also change. As a man changes his own nature, so does the attitude of the world change towards him. … We need not wait to see what others do.”.
– Mahatma Gandhi
A blessed Christmas to everyone of every faith and non-faith.
My marketplace philosophy is to choose a provider or vendor, respect their efforts, appreciate their products or services, and, when the product serves my purposes and the service is responsive and effective, stay with them despite lower cost offers for the same or similar products and services. At times I have wondered if my approach, staying with a company out of loyalty of quality and responsiveness, is old fashioned or foolish in this marketplace of discount and price competition. My suspicion is that fishing for the lowest price for any product or service, while appearing to be a ‘bargain’, is in fact a marathon to the bottom for our economy as a whole. While I dilute my buying power with loyalty, I also concentrate my personal integrity, knowing that I am supporting my fellow humans with fair wages and benefits. I also experience a reduction in hassle. When people are rewarded fairly for their efforts they are generally happier and more apt to invest themselves in their work. Philosophy and doubts aside, in the past week I have experienced unanticipated rewards for loyalty.
We refinanced our home twice in the past three years with Marc Demetriou of RH Funding as interest rates sank. After the last refi I swore off doing it again, even if the rates dropped further. While refinancing saves money in the long run it comes with a significant upfront cost. On Thursday last I received an email from Marc informing me that the rates were at all time lows and was I interested in refinancing at no cost. NO COST. What? Did I read that correctly? So I wrote back, asked what our new monthly payment would be and did I read it right that there was NO COST? What did he mean by NO COST? He clarified that there would be absolutely no cost for his customers to refinance at this time. No cost and no gimmick. His shared that his year was great, he had accumulated a significant amount of credit from the banks he’d worked with, and was passing those credits on to his repeat customers as a thank you for their business. My application is in. Should it be accepted it will allow us increased financial flexibility. Honestly, I did not think that offers like this happened.
Today while I was futzing around with Facebook for the first time I received a call from Cablevision. They were thanking me for being a loyal customer for the past many years and wanted to know if there was anything they could do for us. Hmmm. “We’re OK” I thought. I shared that I tend to be a loyal customer and told the woman that we have stayed with Cablevision although I regularly get offers from Verizon that are considerable lower that what I am currently paying, at least for the first year. She asked me to hold on while she checked what she could do for me. I hadn’t asked for anything. When she returned she had arranged a promotion saving us $600 in 2013, after which charges would return to the 2012 level. I thought this remarkable. I appreciate it immensely. How lovely!
Lastly, and more about store loyalty to customer than customer loyalty, my daughter purchased a down coat from Burberry six years ago. During the second season she wore it she noticed that the fabric on the sleeves was wearing unevenly and quite differently from the rest of the coat. When she showed the wear to the store they immediately apologized and replaced the coat. Two years later, the new coat showed an odd pattern of wear. Again, an apology was offered, as well as a second replacement coat. My daughter lives in India now and has no need for a winter coat so here we are, six years after the original purchase, and I am appreciating the warmth and styling of this wonderful coat which keeps me toasty. It doesn’t seem to be wearing at all!
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It is said that we pay to play. Perhaps the price we pay, otherwise stated as the investment we make in people, places, and things, determines the quality of the play. Investing in the companies and individuals that serve us well by giving fairly for what we receive may ultimately be the optimal route to the greatest satisfaction for all involved. I choose to consider my spending as investing in the products and services that aide my life and the people that make it possible. That’s system loyalty and it’s rewarding, in the marketplace and beyond!
How often have you started to share something you’ve been thinking only to have the person you are speaking with begin to contradict you? It’s rare for any quality communication to take place after this happens. It’s more likely that you’ll end up arguing, or going silent and keeping your thoughts to yourself. Either way, if there was a purpose to your sharing it probably got lost in the interaction and you walked away feeling frustrated and not heard, because you weren’t. Chances are that you weren’t listening either.
This matters because, unless we live in a cave somewhere by ourselves, we create our lives through communication. Whether our relationships at work and at home are productive and joyful or destructive and a hassle depend on the quality of the conversations in which we engage. When we consistently feel that we are not being heard chances are we are not listening to ourselves, and are stuck in our opinions.
There is a way to clear communication where we are both heard and are able to hear others, where real conversation and connection occur. It has to do with shifting out of opinions and listening to and recognizing perspectives, our own and those of others.
For clarity I offer a few distinctions between how I am using the concepts of opinion and perspective in this post. I have pulled and integrated these definitions/distinctions from print and electronic sources. They are too changed to warrant a quoted source yet remain accurate to the spirit of the definitions.
Perspective is how you perceive, see, interpret, and experience life from the vantage point of you. By definition, it is acknowledged as limited, one of infinite possibilities of vantage points. A perspective is completely accurate for what you’ve lived and been exposed to through the filter of you at any given moment, and will subtly or grossly shift as your experience shifts. It is neither right nor wrong.
Having a perspective is acknowledging a relationship between you and everything else that must shift as you shift. While there can be no rational argument about perspectives, there can be inquiry into their usefulness and one can choose to open up to the perspectives of others, thereby broadening his/her view of reality.
Per•spec•tive
Noun: 1. A vista or outlook from a specific vantage point,
physical or psychological.
2. The relationship of aspects of a subject to each other and to the whole.
3. The ability to perceive things in their actual
interrelations or comparative importance.
Opinion, on the other hand, is a subjective belief, and is the result of emotion or interpretation of facts. An opinion is often supported by argument, although people may draw opposing opinions from the same set of facts. Opinions rarely change without new arguments being presented and even then, may remain stagnant. Opinions are neither right nor wrong; they are merely a figment of what someone believes to be so and will most often defend vigorously. It is often reasoned that one opinion is better supported by the facts than another by analyzing the supporting arguments. In casual use, the term opinion may be the result of a person’s perspective, understanding, particular feelings, beliefs and desires. Opinions often refer to unsubstantiated information, in contrast to knowledge and fact-based beliefs.
O•pin•ion
Noun: 1. A belief or judgment formed about something, not
necessarily based on fact or knowledge.
2. The beliefs or views of a large number or majority of
people about a particular thing.
3. A belief or judgment that rests on ground insufficient to
produce complete certainty.
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The telephone rings.
Landlord: Hello.
Tenant: We have to cancel the floor refinishing job. I have a conflict on my calendar for that weekend.
Landlord: I feel angry about canceling this job. I presented you with dates and you choose the one we scheduled. I understand that you feel there’s a conflict. I’ve invested a considerable amount of time and effort setting up this job. There are numerous people involved. How can you resolve the conflict so you can do what you need and the refinishing can occur?
Tenant: This is a very important meeting I’ve set up (opinion). It will impact me economically (opinion). You don’t understand (opinion) because you make money differently from how I make money (opinion). Look, we’ve had many run ins in the past (opinion) and…
Landlord: (interrupting) I am asking you a question in the present regarding an upcoming situation in the future. How can it work that you have your meeting and we can go ahead with the refinishing job as planned? If you consider this question and you can’t we’ll take the next step. I have to go now. Please get back to me. I’ll be available later this afternoon. \
Tenant: Don’t you hang up on me (opinion). My life and time is just as important as yours is (opinion). Don’t you realize how important…
Landlord: (interrupting) I have a meeting in ten minutes. It takes me five to get there. I am hanging up the phone to make the meeting. Please let me know what you’ve come up with later. Bye. (over the tenant talking)
Imagine what it would look like if both parties were opining. The reason this dialogue did not become an argument is because the landlord recognized that he was hearing the tenant’s perspective, which were her opinions about the situation, and very real for her. The landlord felt no need to challenge or argue with the tenant’s opinions since they were secondary to the objective, which was seeing if it was possible to keep the schedule that was set up AND have the tenant be able to attend a meeting that was obviously important to her.
When you can listen to others and hear that what they are saying is very real from their perspective, which is the only perspective they have at that moment, and stay clear that your perspective is the same, it is much easier to open to hearing what is being said without the need to argue or challenge. Once you are able to do this your own perspective shifts a bit. It gets broader. It now encompasses another person’s perspective without agreement or disagreement. At that point you can acknowledge what’s important to them, share what’s important to you, and enter into a very new world of communication. This new world of communication will be calmer, clearer, and more effective at creating what you want and need while respecting their desire to create what they want or need.
“Any problem, big or small, within a family, always seems to start with bad communication. Someone isn’t listening.” – Emma Thompson
“Bad human communication leaves us less room to grow.” – Rowan D. Williams
“… communication is two-sided – vital and profound communication makes demands also on those who are to receive it… demands in the sense of concentration, of genuine effort to receive what is being communicated”. – Roger Sessions
Sound unrealistic? It is, if you don’t retrain your approach to communication. Look into books on effective communication, speak with someone whom you respect for his/her communication skills, hire a coach and set listening and being open to perspectives instead of opining as your objective….and experience how much more effective, happy, and peaceful you will be!
How possible do you think it is to be in a relationship where you listen and are listened to, intimacy and freedom exist simultaneously, where the sex consistently blows you away, and your partnership is so rewarding you experience it as a privilege?
It is. As an acupuncturist and relationship coach I have observed a myriad of relationships, most troubled yet a few that are wonderfully peaceful, loving, fun, and supportive. I call these infinitely successful unions “co-independent relationships”.
A co-independent relationship is one in which in both parties understand that to be truly happy and fulfilled each individual must be true to and manifest his/her nature while supporting the other to do the same, in a climate of respect, appreciation, and love. The participants are free from the need or desire to control, non-judgmental, and clear on their goals and objectives while flexible on how to reach them.
Co-independency guarantees that you will continue to support yourself in attracting/creating the perfect life playmate effortlessly, and pleased with life with or without!
The following eight characteristics/skills (LIPCASPA) enable you to become a co-independent:
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Co-independent relationships are real and possible. When you’re ready to totally enjoy and appreciate your relationships, hire a coach and start training. Build it and clear, compassionate, powerful, creative, fun, sensual, and loving individuals will come.
While it’s been generally believed that people in unfamiliar terrain often end up walking in circles, researchers at the Max Planck Institute for Biological Cybernetics in Tübingen, Germany proved this to be accurate, yet only under a specific circumstance. Findings presented in a study published in 2009 showed that when the study’s participants were tracked by GPS in two very different yet equally unfamiliar environments, they repeatedly walked in circles when they could not see a reference point. In this study, the reference point was the sun. Conversely, when there was a reference point, “when the sun was visible, participants sometimes veered from a straight course but did not walk in circles. They made progress in a specific direction.”[1]
What if this is true regarding how we live as well as how we navigate physically?
I love the concept of consciously “designing a future to live into”. This future of our design becomes the sun by which we navigate. It is out there, shining brightly, drawing us towards it. It is through this envisioned future that we can tell if we are happening off course. With our reference point we have the capacity to reorient ourselves and keep moving in the direction of our desire.
Without this future, what are we navigating by? If we have no reference point out there, are we expending great effort yet living in circles? Could this be why, at times, we feel we aren’t getting anywhere? Perhaps living without a designed future becomes living in circles or worse, living towards what was least enjoyable about our past?
When our reference point is how we don’t want to feel, what we don’t want to experience, we are navigating by our past, our pain, and our fears. And if we are navigating by what it is we desire to get away from, won’t that result in circles as well? We’ll be navigating by where we already are.
The drug is approved by the FDA so it is highly effective and safe in treating ED. purchase cheap viagra The sufferers who bear the history health record of a head injury when an external mechanical force cialis cheapest causes brain dysfunction. A charge off is comparable to trying to stop those tadalafil in canada pop-ups from opening while doing a live presentation. Lots of order cialis online https://www.unica-web.com/archive/2018/unica2018-entries.html people are unaware of this treatment. I’ve done that mistakenly with my automobile’s GPS, setting my destination to where I am rather than where I wanted to go. It kept directing me back to where I had been. Circles are exactly what happened until I realized the glitch!
In November I coached a young woman who was sure what she didn’t want in a partner. She’d go out in the world and see all these living examples of what she didn’t want, in droves! She found this over and over, reinforcing more of what she didn’t want. She was living in a circle. Her reference point? Her past experiences.
I asked her what qualities she did want in a partner. It was a new inquiry for her. We engaged in an exercise of identifying the qualities that she desired. Within a few months she was involved with a partner with the qualities she desired. She had set her sun in her sky, and she began to move towards it.
We can too, about anything in our lives. When we put that reference point up there and head out, we are heading in a progressive direction of both our design and our choice. Happy navigating.
[1] http://www.cell.com/current-biology/retrieve/pii/S0960982209014791, Current Biology, Volume 19, Issue 18, 1538-1542, 20 August 2009
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