Insane/Outsane

by admin | Aug 18, 2011 | Blog

Caution – this blog may contain inquiries which may disturb your sense of sanity.

“I am always thinking about how to make my children’s lives better. “  Of course you are…isn’t this what good, loving, involved, intelligent parents do?

This is a statement well within the paradigm which we  deem “sane”.  Rarely would any of us question that statement if we hear it.  Yet maybe, after inquiry and exploration, it may behoove us to consider going “out-sane”.

In Making Mind Matter speak, I will use the  term “in-sane” to represent where we are when we accept the overarching consensus reality within which we were raised and within which most of us continue to function. I posit that continuing to live in this consensus reality of “sane” is not conducive to our well-being.

What’s another option when living according to the tenets we were taught as sane begin to feel insane?

Well, there is going “out-sane.”  Out-sane is a place of deep inquiry, a place where the obvious is not so obvious anymore and we begin to inquire what new approaches are a close match with our deepest dreams and values.  Out-sane is a perspective where we begin to see that the consensus reality which we were taught to accept as truth boarders on insanity when inspected closely.

Let’s examine this sentiment from an out-sane perspective through inquiry.  I’ll start with“making my children’s lives better”.  Is the inherent assumption that your children need to be better true?  Second inquiry, what constitutes “better”, for whom (your comfort level or the child’s evolutionary maturation?), and based on what criteria?   Third inquiry, how does a parent make their child’s life better in the future?
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We will never be with our children in the future.  We are only always with them now, in the present. And, we can not know how to prepare them best for a specific future scenario which may or not come to pass. We can support them in being grounded, innovative, and resourceful in whatever present we happen to be sharing with them.

One of the “tenants of being” in the traditional understanding of “sane” is to learn from the past and teach the lessons learned to those we love as the right and most effective way to live in the present.  If the deep intention we have for our children is their true contentment, self-expression, and creativity as human beings, if we aren’t living that for ourselves, then what are we teaching them is how to reproduce our states of discontent, not the ability to reach into they mystery of life to find true contentment, self-expression, and creativity.

A new level of inquiry beyond what we were taught as the “sane” way to conduct our lives can lead us to strengthen our ability to make choices from different and perhaps initially novel perspectives, thoughts, feelings, and actions in the present that are aligned with  love and commitment to well-being.  Through this we have the possibility for the realization that we as parents are still discovering our way in a quickly shifting world with changing expectations and characteristics parallel to our children’s discoveries.

Returning to the original premise of “making life better for our children”, how do WE feel when we get the message either from ourselves or others that our lives need “improvement” in the present?  How do we feel when we receive the message that weshould be working harder, making more money, dressing better, volunteering more often, being nicer, heavier, lighter, more muscled, less muscled, more social, less social, more informed, more involved, less involved, better at sports, at art, at music, stronger, healthier? How do we feel when we contemplate shooting for the top in the championship for everything? And if we take it on, for whom are we doing it?  When we read biographies of those that have been recognized for achieving top performance how satisfied with life are they?  If some are deeply satisfied and some aren’t then the recognition of top achievement isn’t the factor that allows for that deep satisfaction.

Let’s  move on to “always thinking about how to make my children’s lives” ….It is “in-sane” to be always thinking about how to make your children’s lives anything.    If you are responsible for how their lives are, then what are they responsible for?  What aren’t they responsible for if they feel that you are doing the thinking and planning for them?

So what does going out-sane look like and what kind of stand can we be for our children?  First of all, is the humbling realization that WE CAN NOT KNOW what is “best”, not for our children, not for ourselves, not for anyone.  What WE CAN KNOW is how clear we are in our intentions and values in each present moment and how committed we are in truly listening to what others share with us, in aligning the choices we make regarding what actions to take out of our values and intentions,  and the extent of our commitment to finding ways to communicate ourselves authentically and lovingly.  Then, those who are out-sane give their all and deem “ALL is good”, defined as “there is an inherent goodness in all experience and it is my intention to discover and experience that goodness while being and doing from my values.  Those who remain in-sane are giving their all to creating “all is GOOD”, defined as everyone and everything outside of themselves should be a certain way and that they will live and die trying to get reality to conform to how they think it should be or get angry, bitter, and disheartened because it won’t and they can’t.  An out-sane re-conceptualization of  “I am always thinking of ways to make my children’s’ lives better”might be ” I intend to discover and nurture my inner wisdom, creativity, and inspiration and support my children, friends, family, community, etc. to find  the same for themselves, whatever that might be.  Although I have ideas, I’m not at all sure how to do this yet I am committed to discovering the “how to” in living consciously through the adventure, challenge, and opportunity that is life.”

On Love, the Unconditional Kind

by admin | Aug 12, 2011 | Blog

A topic that comes up frequently during coaching sessions is love.  We toss the concept around regularly; we love people, we love our pets, we love our favorite foods, etc., yet when I inquire into what “love” means to clients or within myself I am often met with an initial silence, followed by “Well, there are all different types of love.  Which one do you want my meaning for?” The one I am interested in exploring now is “unconditional love”, known as agape in Greek.

Agápe (ἀγάπη agápē^[1]) means “love” (unconditional love) in modern day Greek, such as in the term s’agapo (Σ’αγαπώ), which means “I love you”. In Ancient Greek, it often refers to a general affection or deeper sense of “true love” rather than the attraction suggested by “eros“. Agape is used in the biblical passage known as the “love chapter”, 1 Corinthians 13, and is described there and throughout the New Testament as sacrificial love. Agape is also used in ancient texts to denote feelings for a good meal, one’s children, and the feelings for a spouse. It can be described as the feeling of being content or holding one in high regard.[1]

Unconditional love doesn’t play favorites.  While it may prefer certain outcomes it is not attached.  It accepts people and situations as they are and as they aren’t while holding firm to the internal values at our core.

In 2008 while in the hospital prior to open heart surgery I had the honor of rooming with an African American woman in her mid sixties.  She was the mother of a thirty-something man, employed, happily married and co-parenting his two children.  At different times during his late teens and early twenties he was incarcerated for petty theft, a drug user and a heroin addict.  She told me that the most important act parents can make for their children is to always believe in them – believe in their ability to transcend their pain and suffering and their joy and pleasure and learn from the choices they make and the experiences they’re living.  She was speaking of unconditional love, accepting and honoring another’s path, even if it diverges vastly from our own.  Unconditional love is continuing to love through pleasure and pain.  It is continuing to love whether the object of our love is alive or dead.

At a funeral last week, for a thirty-one year old woman, beloved daughter, wife, and friend to many, the pastor spoke of love being weaker than death in that love can not keep people alive when it is time for them to depart yet it is longer than death.  It transcends the life/death dichotomy.  Unconditional love transcends the condition of life.

Unconditional love begins at home.  It begins with practicing accepting and loving ourselves; at the level of education we’ve achieved, the weight and level of fitness we are, the amount of money we generate, the choices we’ve made that have damaged or strengthened ourselves and others, what we excel at and what we don’t, and with the families we were born into and have created.  It includes honoring our path, as windy and unpredictable as it may feel, and being willing to seed and weed while we walk.

Unconditional love does not mean that we are stuck with our present experiences or that we can’t evolve and change ourselves and the situations we find ourselves in.  It doesn’t mean that we can’t fiercely advocate for what we deeply hold to be important and sacred.

It does mean that we assume responsibility for identifying and meeting our needs and cease to blame others if we are living in such a way that our needs are not being met.  It means that if we feel out of integrity we find our way back, and support others to do the same.  It means we allow ourselves and others to experience the natural consequences of our actions and let go of attempting to control others for the sake of feeling a false security.  It means we live beyond that place of judgment that we are all so familiar with and hold true to our values, letting of right/wrong, good/bad, should/shouldn’t thinking.  It means we stay with “what is” in the present and “what we’re committed to” now and for the future we are living into, regardless if we ever experience it fully manifest or not.

Loving unconditionally is ultimately believing and honoring the deep integrity in ourselves and each other, no matter what actions are taken – even if those actions result in removing ourselves from situations that are unsupportive of our or another’s well being.  Unconditional love is not a formula for a storybook life.  It is a way we can choose to become for an exceptionally deep, creative and rewarding life, illuminated by a rainbow of relationships, experiences, and emotions.

Maybe what we sacrifice in that New Testament definition of unconditional love is our ideas of duality and limitation.

What meaning do you give love? May you experience a depth of capacity from your inquiry.

Eliminating School Daze…

by admin | Aug 9, 2011 | Blog

School doesn’t necessarily wait until after Labor Day in September to begin like it once did.  Nor does it mean what it once meant and, while school remains mandatory through the age of sixteen, learning appears to be mandatory for life, if we are interested in the quality of our experience expanding.  Why are we “schooling” ourselves and our children?  It’s worth asking ourselves what is our goal of learning in this digital age where information is available at our fingertips 24/7 and employment does not necessarily follow closely on the heels of knowledge?

I suggest that it is more important than ever to make that inquiry for ourselves and discover responses that inspire and enliven us.  Responding to that inquiry also allows us to provide leadership that our children can choose to follow because our answers are constructed from thoughtful reflection and address the real and easily frightening issues of our time.

The old pat answers like “education gets you a good job”, “education makes you more valuable in the workplace”, “it’s your job as a kid just like mine is to ….”, “it’s the law”, don’t seem to hold true today.  There are multitudes of people who are well educated with years of valuable experience with no jobs or little or no job security. Plenty of kids don’t make it through high school.  Less and less young men are enrolling in colleges, and if enrolled, remaining through graduation. If I heard that line of logic in this day and age I would wonder what hole the adult that was telling me it was sticking his head in.  We have the opportunity to get authentically clear about why learn, and what learning provides beyond a paycheck, just in case the paycheck is long in coming or quick in disappearing!
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Utilize the opportunity to reach inside your heart and mind and discover what it is about education that nourishes and empowers, especially when a job isn’t guaranteed. Reflect on what aspects of the education you’ve experienced, in school or out, that has been of infinite value to you.  Be open to your children’s questions of why, and be ready to answer them from your heart rather than some script you heard growing up that is less and less meaningful in today’s world.  Instilling an empowering and evocative story about learning and an experience of learning as vital and rewarding can be the inspiration that keeps the learning mind open even when the delivery system may be less than stellar.

I invite you to step out of the box of how “it” should be and explore learning that has the capability of empowering ourselves and our children to live lives that are spiritually, intellectually and emotionally rewarding, regardless of the financial rewards or lack thereof.  Be open to researching, discussing, and visiting alternatives to the local district school or eventually, the four year college route at the tune of $20,000 – $60,000 per year.  While those may be the choices you make together there are also charter schools, alternative schools, home schooling, and eventually two year county or city colleges, trade schools, making oneself valuable being involved in something for which deep passion is felt through volunteering, and other learning environments you will discover if the intention is there.  You can create wisdom, power, and prosperity from knowledge and so can your children, even if how isn’t immediately obvious.